Remember
by Brigadier-Erin-Lightning
Summary: OneShot Songfiction to Remember When It Rained by Josh Groban: When we lose the things that are most important to us, what are we willing to give up to have them back? And even if we give something up, can we really obtain what is lost?


_**"Remember"  
A songfiction by Erin Lightning**_

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* * *

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_**"Wash away the thoughts inside"  
**My hand rapped upon the door, my soft voice murmuring his name in the helpless manner of one who is lost. When he did not fling open the door the second I touched it, all felt taken from me, and I rested my head upon the wall beside the door, silent tears streaming down my face, a quiver in my lip. So it had come to this. It had come to me, finally losing it all. These eyes which had seen so much pain, this very heart which ached with the cries of all the innocents it devoured...they felt heavy with a never-before felt sadness, a tormenting demon had settled itself within me, dragging me from my sheltered indifference. I was crying, for Christ's sake. And, as I closed my eyes, I was crying for him.  
The door gave a swift click, and, when finally my head turned to see his beautiful face, my body froze, stunned. Those soft, yet guiding eyes were two tiny pinpoints of Heaven, lost in a face with the complexion of a being that could not be of this world. The raven hair which framed his elegant features was tusseled. He appeared harmless, and that was my biggest fear.  
"Roy?" Hughes whispered to me, and my heart leapt, only to be washed back by the waves of depression which so threatened to drag me under their icy black grasp for good, which threatened my very existence in this world. I stifled a gasp for breath, but I was weakened, woozy. My legs buckled, and I sought to right myself, only ending up tumbling off to the side. But I was safe, I was safe as he caught me in his tender embrace and drew his head close to mine. I was safe as his arms supported me and cradled me as if to say, "I'll protect you". No. No, Hughes, I thought, don't protect me. Please don't. This safety can't last. Don't support me. I can't.._

**"That keep my mind away from you"**  
"Mustang, Mustang!" Hughes' voice was like the sweet melody of a flute, floating through the air to my tired ears only to become muted by the overwhelming sound of the blood rushing through my own veins. Worry etched the beautiful featuresthat I had so lost myself in, and it almost brought me to weep harder. My beautiful Lieutenant Colonel, please don't worry for me. Worry for yourself.  
"Hughes..." I whispered, through parched and cracked lips. I buried my head in his uniformed shoulder, and let my tears run down my cheeks. "Hughes!" the word was a war-cry, the escaping cry of my heart. It was a torn word, a word filled with regret, longing, and most of all, love. "Oh, Hughes..." I whispered, "Hughes..."  
"Roy, what's gotten into you?" Maes whispered. "Roy? This isn't like you." But I wouldn't listen to reason. I buried my head in deeper, like an ostrich covering its head with the desertsconcealingsand. If only I could trick myself into thinking I was safe so long as I was with him.  
I choked when I spoke, my words hardly audible and muffled more so through his jacket. "Hughes, don't leave me. Hughes don't ever leave me. Don't go...don't go back to Central. You can't...you can't go.." Selfishly, I murmured, "I won't let you. Don't go..." As if I could change anything.

**"No more love and no more pride"**  
"Roy?" Hughes had dragged me inside by now, and yet I had not noticed. I didn't notice until he sat, promptly pulling me into his lap, which I gladly allowed myself to be pulled into. Like his daughter would, I curled up as tight as my oversized body could, my hands frozen to his jacket, my tears like rain. His hand, so angelic in its touch, ran through my hair, coaxing a soft sigh of affection from me, which I feared came out more as a sob. "Roy...what happened...oh, you're a wreck.." his words, concerned, were slow and kind, carrying that calming effect that only a mother (or father) could master.  
The silence in the room hung thick, and I refused to speak for the duration of what seemed to be days. My tears slowly abated, and, when I found courage enough to push aside my pride, I whispered, "A dream..."  
"A dream?" he questioned.  
My hands clutched his uniform all the more tighter, as if my death-grip on him would somehow keep him with me. Keep him close to me. No, no, please don't leave. Oh Hughes..."I had...I had a dream..."  
Hughes' hand paused on its journey through my short, obsidian locks, and his head fell to rest, his cheek propped against his own shoulder, his eyes boring into my face which would not look at him. Ephemerally, I did glance, and I found myself unable to hold such a gaze. Such devotion, such love in his eyes, no these emotions could not be for me. He was a married man, and I...he didn't need me..."Roy," he whispered, "What kind of dream was it?"

**"And thoughts are all I have to do"**  
"I.." I whispered, but the memories piled in my throat, muddled and unable to be spoken. My eyes fell to my clinging hands, shamefully. "You went far away...so far...I couldn't reach you anymore...It was like you were swallowed up...like you..."  
"Died?" He said the word with such calm strength, yet it stung me like the pressure of a thousand needles.  
When I turned further away, he must have taken this movement as a yes. He shifted beneath me, and I found myself prisoner now to his every movement. His hand reached out and brushed my cheek, the feeling much like rubbing my face against smooth silk. A single tear fell upon his opened palm, and he closed his fist around it, his eyes troubled. Taking my chin in a firm, yet tender grip, he turned my face to his.  
"Good," he said. That one single word: "Good," which broke every remaining hold I had on this world, which wrenched every hope from my body in instant.  
"What!" I gasped, terror lacing my already well-out-of-whack voice.  
His face moved towards mine, and I knew what was coming. I knew it was wrong. Yet I also knew that my heart wanted this...wanted it so badly that I would have given my life right then and there for that one single kiss which he laid upon my lips. The kiss, hot with passion and love and every emotion that my cold, shut heart had never known. His tongue slipped into my mouth, wrapping itself around mine with such completeness, with such an affection that I nearly cried in suprise.  
An electic feeling shivered through my veins, a feeling which could transcend anything that this world had to offer. A feeling that ran to the very depths of the soul and penetrated my heart as a weapon never could.  
When at last he removed his lips from mine, and his rough, lover's kisses ceased, I found myself staring awestruck into his twin sun eyes, my entire frame numb from the relief which had spread through me, drawing back the flood of my pain. Yet this relief came all too soon when I noticed...Hughes was crying, himself. A lonely tear threaded its way down his pale skin, yet it was enough to send me back into frenzy.  
"Hughes!" I cried.  
"If I die, Roy," he whispered. "It'll be with a smile on my face, and only love in my heart. Because, Roy," Maes' eyes turned away, towards the shaded window in the corner and the cool rain which had begun to fall, fall like the shed tears of all the gods and goddesses in heaven above. "I promised that if I ever died..." He turned back to me, and I saw the tears now, coming stronger then ever, but coming from eyes which held no sorrow, only determination. "...I would die serving you."  
"Oh...Hughes..." I sobbed, and buried my face once more, sorrow and love tearing at me ten-fold as hard as before. His face bent and kisses lay upon my neck by him, sweet kisses of the emotions we had always hidden. The emotion I had promised did not exist between us: love. He was really willing to give it all for me, and I loved him so much now. Of course, I had loved him before this revelation; it only added to that previous devotion.  
But still...  
"I don't want to let you go..." I whispered, as he pulled me closer to him, bathing me in his godly kisses.

* * *

**"Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained"  
**Hardly aweek later, I found myself staring at a desolate grave, watching the casket holding my only love as it was being lowered to a place that I would never be able to follow him to. My tears swelled in my heart, yet I would not cry. No one around me, not the Fuhrer or even my dear Hawkeye knew of my night with Hughes so long ago. None of them had seen me cry. No, they would not know my grief.  
Somewhere in the background, I heard the tortured sobs of a little girl whose father had been stolen from her. I could not help but think that he had been stolen by me. I could not help but think it was my fault. If I had...if I had only stopped him that night, chained him down, done something to keep him with me.  
"Why are they burying daddy! Why, mommy! Daddy said he had a lot of work to do, and if they bury him, he won't be able to do it when he gets up!" Elysia Hughes cried out, her tiny hands reaching for something that could not be obtained. I heard her mother quiet her, but would not turn my gaze from Hughes.  
It hit me like a slap in the face: they were burying Maes. They were covering him in a coffin and placing him six feet under, where he would never see the light of day again. I almost reached out myself. I almost dropped to my knees and let flow my tears. I almost tried to throw myself into the pit with him. I wanted...I wanted us to go together. Yet, I was a soldier, and as a soldier, it was my duty to take such a horrible situation with the sort of unfeeling that man would deem me a monster for.

**"Felt the ground and looked up high and called your name"  
**They filed away, slowly, every person at the ceremony leaving with a slightly heavier heart, but none was as heavy as mine. Hawkeye spoke to me, but I just mumbled answers, as my brain flew on autopilot. My thoughts were with him, only him. Though I was here, standing before his grave, my mind, and my heart, were soaring in the clouds above, reaching up to him, trying to bring him back. I think the idea of human transmuation crossed my mind.  
Oh, the cruel, wicked sky. Behind those clouds, white as angel's feathers, was my Hughes there, watching me even now? But, no...he died serving me how? Oh, the answers. I wanted him here, to tell me that his death had at least been for a reason. Not only that, though. I wanted him here to bring me tasty treats from Gracia's kitchen, to sit upon the little wooden chair in the corner of my room (which I would not touch then, for his presence lingered in that spot so strongly) and eat the steaming apple pie with that big goofy grin of his that had always assured me that everything was alright. I wanted him here to bring me pictures of his daughter and remind me that it is possible for a person to love so fully and clearly. I wanted his phone calls; his lame attempts to bring a smile to my rotten face.  
Oh...Hughes...Tears clouded my eyesight, but I held them back. I didn't want Hawkeye to see me cry. I was her Hughes, though I had never meant to be, and, while I couldn't admit to her that I loved him, and only him, she loved me. I knew it every time I looked into those sorrowful eyes of hers, those hard, cold eyes which sought so hard to hide the same love I had hidden from Maes.  
My voice, within me, screamed. I didn't cry out, but I felt my entire body shaking with fear from my own sadistic cries. His name, over and over, rang out through every muscle, every vein, every inch of my body like the flood of sorrow I had tried so long ago to supress.

**"Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained"  
**My words frightening me with the calm coolness that they managed, the very reflection of his voice when he spoke to me, I told Hawkeye, "It...it's going to rain today." Of course, this single sentence caught in my throat. When I really was trying to be brave, I couldn't have failed more miserably. Childishly, I sought to hide my face when I knew the tears were coming: I placed my soldier's cap upon my head, and looked upwards to the sky.  
And I cried.  
I cried for the cruelty of it all, for the unfairness of the world. I cried that an angel such as he would be taken, and myself, the demon, left to fill the void which spanned across the unknowing world. I screamed within myself that the "higher power" that everyone spoke of was blind to the goodness of the hearts of the men which it took. And, when I had no tears left, I bitterly sobbed that my only companion, my one true love, had been snatched from me before he had even the chance to know the extent of my devotion.

**"In the darkness I remain"  
**Hawkeye walked ahead of me, and I...I trailed behind. My head forever raised to the sky above, my mind tried to force answers into the empty gaps my questions created, but it was of no use. The lies I fabricated to fill the loneliness which encompassed my soul could not suffice. No matter how I told myself that he had kept his promise; no matter how I had told myself that he had done exactly as he had said he would; no matter how I claimed it was not my fault, my heart knew better.  
Why hadn't I tried harder? Why hadn't I fought to keep him with me? Why was it I couldn't have forced him to remain at my side? But no, he was promoted now. He was at a level I could not reach, and I was left, lingering in his lasting shadow. I was left here, wandering down the proverbial tunnel, from which the light at the end had been extinguished with his passing.  
"Sir?" Hawkeye intoned, from a yard or so away.  
"I...I'm coming..." I whispered. But my mind said something totally different. Casting a last glance upon the freshly-dug ground which signified the final resting place of the man whom I had known so well, my mind whispered a silent promise:  
"Wait for me. I won't let you go alone."

* * *

**"Tears of hope run down my skin"  
**Cradling a broken-necked bottle of what could appear to be some sort of strong alcohol, I had curled myself into the darkest, foulest corner of my pathetic little dorm. Around me, my bookshelves looked as if a tornado had come through, for the books were no longer in neat order placed upon the shelves. No, my books were scattered this way and that. Pages ripped like bad memories were strewn across my floor, and there was not a single piece of ground uncovered save my little corner. Tables and chairs had been knocked over, my tiny radio set smashed to oblivion.  
This was no temper-tantrum, however, it was my clear-set plan. There was nothing holding me back now. If Hughes had gone ahead, then I would have to follow him, wouldn't I? Let's face it, without the Lieutenant Colonel, I am entirely a useless being. I had waited an entire month since his death, and yet I still couldn't escape my own fears, my sorrow, my endless tears, my hope that, maybe, just maybe, I could be with him once more. In death.  
I slipped on one of my transmutation gloves, and chucked the other into one of the back rooms of the house, where it would not be able to avert the flames that would eventually consume me. I looked at my companion, the sweet liquor that tasted of fire and filled my heart with the courage to do this one last crazy act, and, raising it to my lips, I downed the last and threw the bottle off in whatever direction.

**"Tears for you that will not dry"  
**My un-gloved hand reached out, clutching the papered ground beside me, my head lowering to shelter my eyes from the sight of my lunacy. Tears slipped down my face, the first since the day of his funeral, for I had kept my promise not to cry until now. All of that pent-up emotion which I had hidden away with a theif's expertise came flowing back to me, coming from my body in a series of short, ghostly sobs. I spoke, though there was no one to listen, "Hughes...I need you, Hughes...I told you not to leave me...What good is it if you follow me to the top now, when I can't even see your face? I can't..." My eyes closed, and my shoulders shook. My curled fist slammed the ground, and I cried out, "I can't do this, Hughes! You're asking too much of me...I can't...I can't keep moving forward without you!"  
"I'll work below you and push you to the top." I heard his voice, loud and clear, an echo of a former memory, and my eyes shot from the paper to blink furiously in the direction of the sound. Tears slid down my face, and my eyes searched the room, but couldn't see him.  
"Hughes! Hughes where are-" I paused, and there he was: a ghostly-looking figure, sitting in his chair with a gooey slice of apple pie in his hand, munching away contentedly. But, he was not alone. At his side, I could see myself, the much younger me, who had just realized his dream of becoming Fuhrer. So...this was just a dream? A wonderful reminiscence of a time back when we had been together; back when I still had hope.

**"They magnify the one within"  
**A single tear dripped down my face, and I smiled the sort of soft smile I had always reserved only for him, only when I was alone with him. The figures swam before my eyes, and in an instant, they were gone, as if they had never been there. My own voice, from the younger shadow, whispered, "Thank you, Hughes," and my Maes' voice, already fading away, replied, "No problem."  
My own body shook, my eyes glued to the chair where the shadow of my former friend had been seated seconds ago. Now it was for sure. Without his guidance, I would never achieve the rank of Fuhrer. Without his steady surveillance, I would fall prey to some lousy enemy, and end up losing my life in the least dignified manner.  
It was time for me to turn from my dreams. It was time to lock that door forever and throw away the key; it wasn't of any use to me. I could see them all in my head: Riza, Breda, Fury, Falman, Havoc, even Armstrong and Edward. They would be furious with me for this. But...I had no choice.  
My legs beneath me wobbled uncertainly as I stood, though my mind had all the certainty it needed. My eyes, I was sure, blazed now like tiny black lights. My gloved hand was clutched tight into a fist, and I staggered towards the very center of the pile of papers. Opening my mouth just slightly, I took in a deep, calming breath.  
My hand raised and, with not even a trace of hesitation any longer, my fingers snapped.

**"And let the outside slowly die"  
**Bright red flashed before my eyes, and the papers, fodder to a flame, took on the fire the second it popped to existance. In seconds, I felt the heat and searing pain begin to envelope my legs, clawing its way up my uniform to reach any vital point, to finish my job for me. The tears I cried became thick with pain, my breath becoming quickly ragged as smoke, trapped by the many windows I had closed for just this reason, filled my lungs and lodged its blackness into my mind. My hand reached up, clawing at my chest, my knees threatening to buckle.  
But I stood as a good soldier would, for this was my punishment. I wasn't going to fall until the end, and I wasn't afraid of the pain that was already burning my body. I had asked for this, this irony. To think that all of my victims had felt this horrible torment as they fell away to their deaths. When I had chosen my alchemic ability, I had definately chosen the most horrendous. Too bad I couldn't possibly have known that until now. It was too bad that my sheer ignorance had left me a monster in even many of my comrades' eyes.  
My legs slipped and I no longer had the energy to hold them. With a soft cry, wrung with anger and pain, I crashed to the floor, sending up a shower of sparks and flame. A wildfire raged around me, and I could just feel it tearing through my coat and my hard, trained marble skin, when something quite unexpected happened: The emergency sprinklers came on with a buzz.  
Dripping water rained down upon my body, bringing instant relief, but in my heart I knew it was too late. My heart in my badly-burned chest was slowly stopping, my thoughts falling to flitting dreams.  
"Goodbye, everyone," I whispered as my eyes began to close. "I hope you can forgive me."

* * *

**"Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained"  
**My eyes opened, groggily, and I blinked as I found my body laying flat on the ground in an unfamiliar place. My back hurt, and so naturally I sought to sit up, but my muscles wouldn't cooperate. After several minutes of trying in vain, I gave in and just lay still, trying my best to at least take in my surroundings. The ground below me was cobblestoned, a grungy sort of building looming up on either side of me. Great, an alleyway. Well, I did need to get home soon, or my family would be worried, wouldn't they?  
'Wait a second...family? Home?' I shook my head, and, using my arms to pry myself up, I managed to end up sitting, my entire body shaking with dizziness. 'I didn't have a family or a home...how could I if I just...' The unconnected pieces of the ouzzle fit together in my mind, and played themselves in fast-motion, becoming an even more mixed up muddle of thoughts and ideas and places and names. 'But I just died! No, that couldn't be, because, if I was in a deserted alleyway, then I couldn't have-'  
"Hey, you there, are you alright?" A voice rang out from the end of the alleyway, and, as I turned my aching head in its direction, I saw a beautiful young man running towards me. He had short black hair, spiked only light enough for it to look like it was mussed, and sharp golden eyes that seemed both exotic and marvelous. A worried expression crossed his kind face as I searched the eyes, hidden behind silver spectacles.

**"I felt the ground and looked up high and called your name"  
**He looked so familiar, like a long-lost friend. I blinked, and whispered, "I'm...fine...I guess..." You can't really tell someone that you just died, and, you especially don't tell a stranger. However, it wasn't against my manners to ask, "Do I know you?"  
He looked down at me, scratched his head, and said, "Well, you do kind of look familiar..." His eyes narrowed, and it appeared he was taking a good look at me. I felt the uneasiness, like someone was inspecting me inside and out, to make sure I was of 'proper breeding', and I felt it for good reason. I looked a mess. My clothes were torn and worn, and my hair was unkempt. My eyes, when I reached a hand to feel my face, had been crying recently, and they probably looked like I hadn't slept in a week.  
I dropped my eyes to the ground, not wanting to look at him for all the shame within me, but he was indeed a kindly sort of man. After several seconds, he seemed to find me moral enough not to be a threat, and said, "Well, my name is Hughes, and, I'm not doing much tonight. My wife won't mind another mouth at the table, if you'd like to come with me..." he waited for a name, reaching out a hand to help me up.  
I smiled amiably. 'Hughes. Nice name.' It had a comforting ring to it. I reached out and grabbed his hand, standing up with his combined help. 'Roy. Roy Mustang.'  
He paused, looked me over once more. I felt the impulse to ask his, as snottily as possible, what the hell he was looking at, and, if he knew me, would he please tell me who I am? I must be suffering from some sort of amnesia or something, because I couldn't have died recently; I was still flesh and blood and very much alive. So amnesia must be my problem, seeing as how I couldn't remember a single thing.  
"Look," he said, drawing me from my zoned-out thoughts. "Fancy that, it's raining." Indeed, tiny droplets were settling on my nose and my face, and I felt him reach towards me and take my hand. "We better go before we both get soaked to the bone, Roy."

**"Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained"  
**I froze. Literally froze. My body stopped dead in its tracks the moment his hand touched mine, but my brain shot lightyears ahead. 'Roy...Riza...Hughes...Maes Hughes...Died in Service...Fire..." The thoughts shot on and on, an entire slideshow of my pathetic life before now, an entire cast of characters and pictures that swirled in my head, but made more sense then I would have thought. I knew who I was now. I knew what had happened. But...  
"Hughes..." I whispered, my feet still attached firmly to the spot where I was standing. "Where are we?"  
"Munich, Germany, of course," he said, and took several steps forward, dragging me with him. "The greatest county in the world."  
That's when it happened. Before I could stop myself, before I could reach out and cling to him, before I could pull myself into this seemingly wonderful dream, I was taken from it. As my foot moved to step forward after him, I felt it fall through, and found myself in a searing, blinding light. My body was falling back, back, yet there was no hard ground to stop me. I could see him, there above me, reaching out, but pausing when he realized thatI was no longer inhabiting the world he was in.  
"HUGHES!" I screamed, my voice ripping through the air, but falling on both his, and my deaf ears. I clawed at the light around me, but couldn't feel my limbs doing so. I struggled, and fought, tears falling from my eyes.  
The last thing I saw, before his world, this Munich of his, was shut to me, was my Hughes, turning to walk back down the alleyway without much thought towards his phantom aquaintance other than a slight shrug. And from his back, though I knew they were invisible to him, were two giant angel wings, glittering a bright silver. He couldn't remember me. He couldn't remember that he had died. He couldn't feel anything towards the man who had once been his friend and lover. It hurt me, but I was somehow soothed by this information.  
'You lucky dog,' I thought. 'You've been given another chance at life...'  
But I couldn't help wondering, where was I going?

* * *

**"In the water I remain"  
**I blinked my eyes open, and found myself, once more, laying flat, only this time, there were two things different about my surroundings. The first was that I was not in some stray gutter; I was in a warm, comfortable bed, in a place that both looked and smelled very kindly, relaxing. The second...was that I was in terrible pain! Ow, if there was such a thing as Hell, this was it: a demon wrapped in a pretty package. My hand reached to grab at my chest, which felt like it was being burned by a vibrant flame, but I was stopped. A firm grip was placed on my hand as it moved, and this grip pulled me back to lay still.  
A feminine voice, one that I knew very well, spoke gently to me, an underlying bitterness in her voice which didn't set me into unease, though it did pain me to hear such from her. "You're awake, Taisa...the doctors thought you wouldn't make it.."  
I looked in her direction, and, sure enough, it was my lovely 1st Lieutenant. I knew this, even though she refused to turn her head towards me, prefering to stubbornly focus on some point far across the room. Finding my voice, I tried to reply, in a squeaky, weak manner, "Riza, what happened?"  
She seemed to pulse with rage. "What do you mean "What happened"? You tried to kill yourself, that's what happened!"  
"Ah..." I whispered, closing my eyes. "I see, so it really was a dream..." She was curious to this statement, I knew, but, my discovery about Hughes was to remain my own. I guessed perhaps I would have to retry my plan once more. Munich didn't seem so bad...forgetting about this world? That was sheer bliss. I wanted to be with him still, now more then ever.  
"Mustang..." she whispered.  
"Hm..?"

**"Running down"  
**"D-don't leave me...don't ever try to leave me again...I can't... can't do this alone..." Slowly, she turned to face me, and, as I opened my eyes, I saw something that scared me, chilled me to the bone. Riza Hawkeye was crying.  
I blinked, and stared at her beauty. Silence reigned in the room, but outside of the little place, I could hear the soft pitter-patter of raindrops. Rain...  
Silently, as a smug smirk took over my face, I stated words I couldn't say out loud to her. 'Alright, Hawkeye...I'll stick around for a while...Who knows, maybe I might learn...to love again.' My head turned skywards, looking out the polished window at the edge of the room, and watching the rain, feeling it washing away every corrupt part of this world, everything becoming clean and new. My heart was given new strength.  
'Maybe...just maybe, Hughes...' I thought, closing my eyes to rest, 'We've both been given...a new beginning."

* * *

**The End**********

* * *


End file.
